At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
