and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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