Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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