Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
