I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
