I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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