I faked an abortion last night.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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