girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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