Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
