So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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