I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
