He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Randomize
