you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
They have beer where we have blood.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
