I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
