the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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