so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Randomize
