Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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