i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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