If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
