the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
