hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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