Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
