fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she peed on how many people?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
