Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
