I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
