How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
