Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
