Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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