It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
