im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
