In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm just crazy horny about you
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
