Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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