Got a toothbrush?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
