i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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