I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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