Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
