just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
