On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
