I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
