she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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