who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
