k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
