Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
