good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
