U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
