My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
