Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
