The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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