you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
