Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
