There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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