Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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